PABLO’S WORLD OF HAPPINESS

THERE ARE SOME things that are so amusing that thinking about them makes my boredom disappear like UMEME (if you not Uganda Airlines). You can find a headline in the news: “Joseph Kony Arrested” and in the details you find “Joseph Kony arrested 3 people who were trespassing in his Rwikwamba Kisalasalo camp”. Then “Mrs. Jannet Museveni Expecting”. And the news in details: “Mrs. Jannet Museveni is expecting visitors from Japan…”

There is something I find interesting about abbreviations and acronyms. Think of DRARU (Dangerous Relationships Are Rarely Understood), or UMEME (Uganda Muffe Enzikiza Muffe Enzikiza)! Beware using abbreviations could land you into trouble. You will go to a place asking for the GM and the Gate Man will show up! No wonder most of us are VIPs (Very Improved Peasants).

Then there are things in life you can never be sure of. For instance I always want to hear the prayer requests from coffin-sellers. Recently I found a man eating chicken and mangoes at the same time. I couldn't tell what was accompanying the other. And then there was a toothless mzee struggling with mulokoni (cow hoof) to get out the bone marrow. For a moment I thought he had invented a flute!

My nephew Douglas recently told me that babies are the best swimmers because they do it in a basin. I grew up knowing my heart was in my head. Every time I did something wrong, my mum would pat me on the head and say, “Take heart”. My niece Rhoda once told me that Dentists are the most respected people; they make you shut up and open your mouth. And when I think of the road sign I read recently, I decide to end the article. It read, “Go. Slow men at work!”

Yours in laughter – Kenneth Kimuli Pablo

ZEBIDAYO’S ESCAPADES - MY FIRST LOVE

My First Love
By Denis Agaba aka Skido

MY FIRST LOVEMY ROAD TO maturity was rough. During my childhood I had no peers in my age bracket. So I was forced to skip and fit into my elder brother’s group. These dudes could do anything to capture a lady's attention. I remember Davis eating live fire to impress a chic, who had doubted his ability to do it. Damn! That scar will never cease to stand out on his lips. My elder brother and his gangs were the Casanovas in our village. They were good in class and physically appealing – all the village girls dreamt about them. It's approaching Christmas time and I must make a pass on some mushrooming village belle of my age. Nkazi is what everyone calls her. She has just started developing her feminine physic and seemingly, she's the gang's next target. Gosh! I have to pull up my stunts, lest I lose out.

I sat down and wrote her the following letter:

Dear tomato source of my chips Nkazi!

I instigate this navigation amidst a mist of happiness and joy. I’m really capitulated by your beauty. Every time I see you, my heart skips a beat and my body gets paused for 30 seconds. If they wanted a specimen for beauty, a world war would re-occur as America and European powers scramble for you just like they did for Africa. If all girls were to be blind, at least you would be one-eyed. A camera does not need a flash while taking your photo as you are a flash yourself. God really took his time to shape you. You are complete and all you need to be perfect is ME, not any other boy. When I enter my bed and put off the candle, it’s only you I see dancing Kinyarwanda at the ceiling.

I will love you until Museveni grows dreadlocks; until Sebagala stops using “Concept” in his speeches; until Uganda’s roads part with potholes; and until CHOGM comes back to Uganda. As I shade this blue blood on this gracious piece of paper I stole from my mother, my heart is dancing calypso, my lungs are clapping with joy, and my intestines are perambulating with joy. I want to meet you and tell you more.

Yours in love,Zebidayo Dedz:

1. Dreams by Maria Kale

2. Tindatiine by Lede Mariyam

3. And of da Lod by Boys through Men

After scribbling the above letter, my sister's baby powder could not survive me. I poured some of it in the envelop and sealed it. "Now, how do I deliver the letter to her?" I wondered! I did not want anyone to know because if at all I failed to access her and the gang got to know, I would suffer the scorn. I decided to deliver it myself. It's Christmas vigil and the mass starts at 10pm; luckily enough, reliable sources say Nkazi is attending. I pocket the letter and run to her home. I decide to hide behind a maize granary next to the fence, just to wait for Nkazi and her family to start the journey to Church so I could follow along.

As I persevere the painful mosquito bites, Nkazi's mum opens the door with a basin in her hands and walks towards my direction. She swung the basin with the dirty water she's just used to wash her feet and suddenly, there I was wet in my favorite white school Uniform shirt. Oh! My Gosh! I couldn't move to avoid raising suspicions of a thief in the home. ‘Star tafa!" I convince myself. Meanwhile, Nkazi's young brother opens the door and also heads my direction. Bambi the ka stupid boy opens his zip and starts to pee all over my head! I persevered and ‘died’ like a man till the end.

By the time the boy went back, Nkazi and the rest were all outside ready to walk to Church. They locked the house, moved and I was left behind, just like a pig, all in the name of LOVE! I ended up not delivering the letter. Neither did I attend the vigil mass. I lost a tear or two, but the worst thing happened the next day when I met Nkazi with one of the boys in the gang. He had bought her a soda and they were drinking it together hand in hand celebrating the birth of Christ! If you were the one, what would you have done?