LAUGH TILL YOU DROP

By Robert Bake Tumuhaise

One day Kay narrated a story of a man from Kabale who woke up and went to wash his face, only for him to discover he was already dead. Kay’s schoolmates liked these fictitious stories a lot. Sometimes he would watch a boring movie, but then spice it up when narrating it so that everyone would think it was a great movie.

Kay was a darling to the girls at school because of his humor. One day, while the students were in class after a boring mathematics lesson, he stood up, pointed at a classmate called Patience and then asked: “By the way who said ‘Patience pays’? For the last four months this girl owes me the money she promised to pay for my jokes.” The whole class broke into prolonged laughter.

Kay talked about a certain man in his village who had a poor relationship with the Queen’s language. For that reason, he never drank tea in the morning because he had read a warning: ‘Don’t drink and drive’. This man would not kill rats at home because that was ‘Domestic Violence’. After a meal he would ask: “Bring me toothpaste,” to mean toothpicks. And on thanking people he would say: “Thank you for what have you done.”

According to Kay, a story went in the village that one day this man was told by his wife: “My darling, you are very charming,” and he retorted: “I have never been to a witchdoctor’s shrine, so why would you think I am carrying charms?”

The most popular joke regarded a man who got lost in Kampala and found himself standing along Market Street, just above the old taxi park, but could not locate the park. Then people asked: “Are you lost?” He answered: “No, I am not lost; me I am here. It’s the old Taxi Park which is lost.” And to make matters funnier, Kay would imitate how the man pronounced the word ‘lost’ as ‘rrrrrrost’, the way some people from Western Uganda speak.

Kay and jokes were as inseparable as Siamese twins. One afternoon, an old truck came to that school and filled the compound with exhaust fumes. As soon as he saw it, Kay came running and asked the driver: “Mr. Man, are you driving a kitchen?” Another day Kay saw a pig passing through the school compound and screamed: “Look pork is running away.”

Somehow, Kay had a way of unveiling the funny side of almost everything. He would make arguments like: “If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?”

“English is a fake language,” he would argue, “How can you call something yellow Blue Band, a rare sense common sense, or a wet drink dry tea? How can someone who is pink be called a Whiteman and someone brown a Blackman? Isn’t it funny that we say ‘A man was kidnapped’ yet he’s a man and not a kid?”

Kay also had jokes about names: “Some Ugandans don’t think so much about the names they give to their children. You find someone who is so harsh yet her name is Mercy, someone very turbulent called Peace, someone who is always the last in class called Clever or Bright, and someone who is so light-skinned called Night.”

With Kay around, the word boredom didn’t seem to exist in the dictionary. He always had something to laugh about. One Monday, the students were doing a boring Chemistry assignment that the teacher had left. Kay stood up and said: “Monday is a bad day. The other bad days are Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.” The entire class laughed. He caught the attention of everyone with his great wit and humour.

Asked where his home was, he would say: “It’s the UK,” before clarifying that he meant ‘United Kigezi’. And asked what his dream career was, he always said he would love to become a veterinary doctor because they are allowed to eat their patients. Kay was so funny that his friends always said he could make someone laugh on his own funeral.

At school most girls liked him more than any other boy. They would find his poetry irresistible. Boys who wanted to impress girls would approach him for pick-up lines. So he would give them lines like: “Thy words fill all the emotional potholes of my heart! Aren’t you another angel that escaped from heaven? Which district of heaven were you living in before you were downloaded to install happiness on my heart?” And, “Didn’t your feet hurt when you landed from heaven?”

Nyamishana could never forget the very first day she met Kay when she had just joined the school. Kay had exclaimed: “Eeeeeeeh! Isn’t it illegal to look this pretty? Who created you? Did your mother bribe God? I have a feeling you were manufactured from the same materials as ice cream. That smile on your face speaks so many languages. Maybe I should always walk behind you with a receipt book, charging whoever looks at your smile! Do you feed on tomatoes only or do you iron your skin? It’s so smoooth!”

Nyamishana couldn’t contain herself so she burst out in a prolonged laughter. Her mouth was so wide-open that you could think dust might enter her lungs. She ran away towards a group of other girls, to share that experience. That’s how the friendship between Nyamishana and Kay began.

***

Well, well, that was just a jaribu (tasting) picked from the unputdownable novel ‘TEARS OF MY MOTHER’ popularly known as #Nyamishana by ROBERT BAKE TUMUHAISE. A copy goes for Shs 20,000, but today he’s giving out 2 copies at the price of one so that you can bless a friend with this amazing inspirational book. Call Bake on 0704666851 / 0712868424 or Winnie on 0774107287 to have your copy delivered if you are in Kampala. You can also find us at MM Plaza T33 and get your copies. Stay inspired.

HOW I CHOOSE THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE

By Robert Bake Tumuhaise

In Buganda, it’s common to see someone seated or walking outside wrapped in a towel. In Kigezi where I hail, this practice so rare. Bakiga elders say, “Etawulo ekiita omwana”, meaning “The towel killed a baby.” A story goes that one day a man who was carrying a baby noticed that his towel was getting loose and let go the baby in an attempt to prevent the towel from falling off. In the process the baby hit the ground and died.

There are times in life when you have to choose between two good things. Like in the case of this man, both preserving the life of the baby and preserving his own dignity were important. I do not know whether his decision was a result of reflex action or whether he consciously dreaded the embarrassment of being seen naked more than the risk of endangering the baby’s life. Either way his choice cost him dearly.

As 2014 threatens to kiss us goodbye, there are many decisions we have to make. There are people who have saved some money and are debating whether to spend it on christmas shopping and visiting the village or to use it for something more important  and travel in January and instead. There will always be moments when you have to choose between spending and saving, eating and fasting, a posh wedding and a humble wedding, and soon on.

When caught up between two attractive choices, it’s my principle to always choose what seems more valuable for both the present and the future. For instance, I advise you to choose spending money on this one thing whose fruits will even outlive you. I am talking about ACTION PLANNING, a short self-discovery course that WORLD OF INSPIRATION shall be conducting starting this Thursday 13^th Nov 20Fortune. This is the last intake we shall have this year.

Many people have been asking me how I managed to start a business with 50,000 shillings, how developed the vision for the Authors’ Forum, how I managed to sell close to 400,000 copies of one of my books, how I manage my time, how I got to be friends with the likes of Patrick Bitature, Emma Katongole and H.E. Bonney Katatumba. Well, #ActionPlanning is your answer.

In just 6 sessions spread across 3 weeks, you will get to understand the concepts of mission, vision, goals and objectives and how they relate to your daily life, work and dreams. By the end of the short course, you will be 100% sure of your purpose in life. Your mind will have been opened to the key habits and skills you need to fully realize your purpose and what you need to do daily to develop them. And if you are the kind that has always wanted to discover the secret of earning from your talents, gifts and passions, this course is for you.

At the end of the course, we shall equip you with a tool called an ‘Action Plan’ that WORLD OF INSPIRATION developed to help both individuals and organizations streamline the needed action points, day after day, year in year out. This tool will help you prioritize your daily tasks such that, should you fail to accomplish all of them, only the less important will be left. With this tool you will be able to slap procrastination. If you are the kind that leaves home planning to do a number of things and begin with the less important, only to discover the day has ended and the most vital ones remained, don’t hesitate to call Robert Bake Tumuhaise on 0704666851 to register for this course.

With this course going for only 500,000 shillings (though members of the Authors’ Forum pay only 250,000) you will have all the knowledge and skills you need to indentify and choose the projects, businesses or jobs suit your calling. By attending this course, you will be equipped to live a life that matters and discard all the things and people that don’t matter in your life.

Before starting to apply the principles of #ActionPlanning, I always did almost everything at the last moment. But today, I apply the concept of ‘deadlines’ (at WORLD OF INSPIRATION we call them ‘deathlines’) to everything I do.

In summary, the course goes for 500,000 shillings except for Authors’ Forum members who pay only half just like it is for all our courses. The entire course is covered in six weekly 3-hour sessions that are flexibly arranged at the convenience of the participants (mornings, evenings or weekends). The venue is Grand Imperial Hotel. Attendance is only by booking and the number to call is 0704666851.

Without action, all your dreams are nothing and without planning all your action can yield no results—hence, the need for #ActionPlanning. Come be empowered to make the toughest decisions in your career, business, investments, finances and life generally.

You will be blessed forever!

WHAT WOMEN DON’T KNOW ABOUT MEN

By Robert Bake Tumuhaise

Towakana! Few women know that men cannot easily multitask. If I am doing something on my computer and you insist on telling me the story you watched in that Spanish a soap last night, even if I am saying “Okay, yeah, uuuuh…”, it is obvious that I am not following and if you want to catch me, ask me which name you just mentioned. I will be like “What were we talking about?” Men, we are like that. When we feel what you are saying is important to us and want to pay attention, we stop everything else and attend to you; if we don’t, it means what we are doing at the moment is our priority. Not in bad faith.

Women don’t seem to understand that men are not angels downloaded from heaven to know all the secrets of their hearts. So a woman will be so hurt, angry, worried or swamped by any other devastating mood, but when you ask her “What’s the problem?” She says “I am okay.” When you probe further and ask “Are you sure you are okay?” she insists “Yes”. She’s saying “Yes” because to her it’s obvious that you should see the problem on your own. You should notice that she’s hurt – you forgot to call back when you found her missed call last month (NB: Ladies have a memory of 45,000,000 GB so she can even pull an instance from 1982 and use it against you in 2014) or you smiled at a gorgeous lady that you met at the supermarket last month (never mind that she is your prayer-group-mate. Ladies, please, we are human; we are not angles and neither are we magicians, so always tell us exactly how you feel and what you want us to do, and we shall do exactly that.

Women don’t seem to know that we also want surprises. So they will expect us to surprise them with gifts on their birthdays, Valentines’ day and any other day. Sometimes she can even mention exactly the gift she wants you to ‘surprise’ her with e.g. “Honey, today, surprise me with a Nokia Asha 215; I saw my friend with it and it looked really, really nice.” Eisssssh! We men also want to be surprised. For instance when you initiate sex, you have sweetly surprised your husband (sorry for those who are not married, consider this point rated PG). You can surprise us by paying rent at home or office. You can surprise your man by taking the car to the garage, if he has been doing it all the time. And, finally (I saved the best for the last); the best surprise you ca

n give to your husband is to call 0704666851 and buy two tickets for the two of you (at 40k each) and tomorrow Wednesday 5th November 5:30pm take him to the National Theatre to attend the Authors’ Forum where 4 titans will be engaging the nation in a live debate on TURNING IDEAS INTO MONEY. If you give that surprise to your man and he doesn’t like it, then continue to fight for the Domestic Relations Bill to handle such uninspired (actually expired) men.

Bake is the MD, WORLD OF INSPIRATION and the Founder of Authors' Forum in Uganda.

THE SWEETEST WORDS IN A LOVER’S EAR!

Darling Tomato Sauce of my Chips! Without you, I almost fail to breath, even with all this oxygen that’s abundant in Africa. You enrich my life with your ever-present and beautiful smile. I just wish to look at your face every morning as I wake up and in the evening before I rest my head. You are my wealth. With you in my life, the likes of Bill Gates and Sudhir are below my average.

Mujaaja in my chai, you are the answer to all my questions; in fact with you, I have more answers than questions. You are my Google; in you I always find everything I had ever searched for. You are @ in my email address and the only number in my mailing box.

Sweetheart! You have made my life superliciously outstanding. Because of you I have become the subject of envy to men like Obama, Clinton, Robert Mugabe and even Museveni himself.

When I first set my eyes on you I knew I wanted to be your keeper. To run for your heart more than Kiprotich could ever run for the gold. My love for you has grown exponentially and multi- purposely so much that no engineer or mathematician can measure its speed, vectors, diameter, radius or circumference.

I love, value and adore you more than a Munyankole values his cattle, more than a Mukiga likes ebiribwa, more than an Acholi adores his g.nut paste and millet, more than Amama Mbabazi wants to be President. I will always defend you more than a Itesot would ever defend his local brew (malwa).

Each day that passes, I pray to God to bless our relationship and bring us to the mountain of victory.

I don't intend to promise you heaven on earth, but as a sign of my appreciation for our love, besides offering my virginity to you (i.e. if u are), I promise to take heed, watch the sun rise above your head, slowly hold your arm against mine, walk you up the steps of Luwum street's MM Plaza to World of Inspiration - Uganda's suite T33 and get you a ticket to the 5th Nov MAGOGOMUS AUTHORS’ FORUM – a tantalizing inspirational event where we shall have a live debate on‪#‎TurningIdeasIntoMoney‬, featuring 4 top entrepreneurs who have earned billions from their ideas. This magnetic event will be happening at the National Theatre, starting 5:30pm. It’s just 40k and I have already called 0704666851 to book our seats! That day I will even ask you the big question: “So will you…?”

© Created by EMMANUEL TWINOMUJUNI KAY,
Remixed by BAKE ROBERT TUMUHAISE.

THERE ARE ALWAYS NEW OPPORTUNITIES TO MAKE MONEY

By Robert Bake Tumuhaise

Recently we had a very interesting debate on my Facebook page. It was on career choices. One of the comments that touched me was from Diane. She said: “I am no longer a banker. I resigned after I discovered that my hair-dresser earned twice my salary despite the fact that I had a masters degree, worked harder and got more stressed. I am now a tailor!”

I followed up Diane to get more details surrounding her career change. Her answers were so interesting that I asked her for permission to share them with my fans on facebook readers and she agreed.

She told me she always tried to put in more time and effort than her colleagues, but she was never promoted or given a salary increment. Later, she discovered that she did not merely have to work hard, but rather smart. So jumping into the world of self-employment was a way of creating a new challenge where she could work smart and taste the fruits.

I asked her if she did not fear the risks involved in self-employment where one is not assured of a salary. Her answer was that it was more risky being in that job where she was not saving anything and yet could be fired anytime. According to her, to fear risks is to fear success since no TESTIMONY can come without a TEST. Now she earns thrice her former salary.

Diane had always had ideas to do with fashion design but she had always brushed them off her mind (you know how our education system can stamp it on our minds that we can only earn from white collar jobs). Well, she took a bold step and launched her idea.

Opportunities are like taxis; there are times when they come one after the other but there are times when they get scarce and you have to walk around looking for one. Today, take a step and look for opportunities; don't stand at the stage and wait for them to come and find you.

For those who really want to widen their opportunities to prosper, come participate in the live debate dabbed ‘TURNING IDEAS INTO MONEY’ at the Authors’ Forum next Wednesday 5th November, starting 5:30p at the National Theatre. I believe this debate is going to greatly impact your life, especially in as far as business development, sales and battling competition are concerned. It has been tailored to provoke your imagination and make you see how to milk money from all your ideas.

The panel will include: James Abola, author of the bestselling book: "MAKE SENSE OF YOUR MONEY"; Joel Bellenson, a scientist who has ever earned 400 million dollars from one single idea, Ortega Ian a 22 year old entrepreneur whose BigEye.ug website has won multiple awards for being the best and most entertaining website in Uganda; and Robert Bake Tumuhaise, Managing Director of WORLD OF INSPIRATION. You will also be given time to share your idea or ask a question and get feedback from the panel and the audience.

The entrance fee is Shs 40,000 and it comes with a free inspirational book/DVD. Call me today on 0712868424 / 0704666851 / 0774107287 and secure your ticket while stock lasts.

You were born a winner by default; don’t live a failure by choice.

BAKE is the Managing Director of WORLD OF INSPIRATION. To read more of his ideas, watch out for his column, ‘MR INSPIRATION’, in WI-Magazine.

YOUR IDEAS CAN MAKE YOU A BILLIONAIRE

MAKE THESE 2 MONTHS MORE PRODUCTIVE THAN THE PAST 8

By Robert Bake Tumuhaise (MD, WORLD OF INSPIRATION)

Yes, I believe it is possible to make decisions that will change the course of things and make us achieve in these two remaining months of 20Fortune (2014) what we failed to achieve in the past 10 months. This will be possible when we flexibly open our minds to new ideas… when we act on what we’ve always procrastinated on… when we end the cycle of bad habits such as oversleeping, overspending, too much watching of TV, boozing e.t.c… when we change our attitude towards challenges by knowing that we are the ones to solve them other than waiting for someone else to help us…

Most importantly, it will be possible if we learn how to turn our ideas into money. Each one of us has ideas that can attract an untold amount of money if only we knew how to package them. Naturally human beings take some things for granted. For instance, many people assume that their great ideas will automatically bring them money and they earn nothing. Good musician can die poor if they do not package their musical talent into a sellable product (e.g. by recording an album or by teaming up with friends to create a band…); if they do not network with people who can fund or buy their talent; if they do not learn how to market and sell their talent…

For those who lead organisations, if your employees do not know how to turn ideas into money they are a liability to you, parasites of sorts. You will always have to think and labour for them. The day you are unwell you will see no option but to force yourself to work because you aren’t sure money will come in your absence. Solution: Sponsor them to attend the coming Authors’ Forum and I will personally address them and show them what they must do to generate viable ideas and also help you turn your ideas and theirs into money.

If you are employed and want a promotion or a salary increment, let me give you a trick that has had 100% success rate. Simply bring ideas that will generate money for the organisation and go an extra mile to turn those ideas into money. At WORLD OF INSPIRATION, that’s the major basis I use to compensate staff and that’s what any other organisation in the world would use. Creativity, innovation and entrepreneurship are always rewarded (with success) while lack of them is indirectly punished (with stagnancy and failure).

Allow me introduce to you the panel that’s going to inspire you at the coming Authors’ Forum – a special inspirational event that we’ve organised just to address that need of turning ideas into money. This time round, it is going to be a debate where the experts tussle it out and then open the discussion to the audience. Carry a pen and a notebook because you will write and cross and re-write as you develop your idea into what’s sellable and as you lay strategies to activate your idea. All your questions will be answered and you will leave having started on your business plan! And who knows, you might even get a business partner to pick your idea up and fund you. But first, the panel:

We shall have James Abola, a finance expert and co-author of the bestselling book: "MAKE SENSE OF YOUR MONEY". From James’s ideas I was not only able to learn how to create multiple sources of income; I was also able to cut down my expenditure by half without changing my lifestyle. James is one of the people you must meet in your lifetime.

Joel Bellenson, a scientist who learned to code at 4 years of age and created a video program as a child, will also be in the house sharing his wit. This is a man who invented medicine using a computer program and made over 400 million dollars, an amount that the majority of Ugandans may never make in their lifetime. He lost all that money and picked up the pieces. He made it again and is now a multimillionaire. Indeed, he has the experience of not only earning big money (from ideas) but also of losing money and then bouncing back. Joel has a Jewish origin and his family owns the biggest private hospital in Israel.

Then there is this young amazing young entrepreneur, Ortega Ian, who, despite being 10 years younger than me, inspires me to the core. Ortega started out his journey of entrepreneurship at 19 years of age by co-founding BigEye.Ug, a website that has won multiple awards for being the best and most entertaining website in Uganda. Millions now flow into his pocket simply because of his ideas. Stand anywhere in Kampala and say “Ortega” and chances are that 90% of the people who will hear you already know this genius of an entrepreneur. His success is evidence that one can start with nothing but an idea (stop crying over lack of capital). You can start from anywhere (does running a website even require an office?) and yet mint big monies.

Well, these three enterpreneurs will be joining me to debate on this practical topic: 'TURNING IDEAS INTO MONEY' at the great Authors' Forum that will be happening at the National Theatre next Wednesday 5th Nov, starting 5:30pm. Entry tickets are selling at Shs 40,000 (those buying more than one qualify for a discount). The numbers to call are: 0704666851 (Bake), 0774107287 (Winnie) and 041691595 (office). 

Remember, if you have a brain you can think; if you can think you can generate ideas; if you have ideas you can earn from them. We are tired of seeing Ugandans live and die with great ideas untapped. All you need are the keys to turning those ideas into money – exactly what we shall be giving you on 5th Nov, at the Authors’ Forum.

And, hey, in the Celeb Interview that day, we shall listen to a powerful testimony from Atukunda Hellen Katusiime, a lady who defeated diabetes, high cholesterol and obesity without medication. In the next message I will give you more details about her and her book, NO MOUNTAIN TOO HIGH. We want that as you turn your ideas into money you don’t be limited by poor health.

The Authors' Forum is brought to you by WORLD OF INSPIRATION: Making Excellence your Habit! Share this message with all your loved ones so that you do not prosper alone.

Stay blessed and inspired!